explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
my liver is dry heaving
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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