I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
as a side note pls kill me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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