I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
