Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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