I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
