There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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