I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
