Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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