I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
