Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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