I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
