Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
