When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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