I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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