I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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