nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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