too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
