saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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