does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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