You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
