two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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