I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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