Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I still have a little drunk in my system
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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