I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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