Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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