I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
