I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
How's work?
Spinning.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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