Farmville is her only friend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
