Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize