I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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