Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
