dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
