I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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