This is not my ceiling
if i can run in heels then i can drive
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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