She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
