It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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