We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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