She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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