I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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