ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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