I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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