its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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