your room smells of hookers.
And success
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
