Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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