you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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