i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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