Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
