I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
