there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
