I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
