there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
