ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
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Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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