i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
