Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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