I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
