She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
